250 Characters Couldn’t Tell You Who I Am

I’ve probably rewritten my bio on substack at least 10 times and I’ve been on the platform for only a few days.  In a way, it feels unfair that I only have a few lines to explain who I am and what I have to offer.

How am I supposed to condense myself into 250 characters?

And really, who am I?

It got me thinking about the identity crisis I went through when I became a mother.

I became a stay-at-home mom immediately after my first was born, and it really was all-consuming.  It became my entire identity.  In some ways, this was intentional. I wanted to do it, this new job, so well that I completely neglected all other aspects of my life, all of the other things that make me, well, me.

Let’s rewind for a minute.

After college, I went into the corporate world.  I absolutely detested my first job (financial consultant).  My second job (buyer at Saks Fifth Avenue) was a dream and I loved every minute of it - until I didn’t.  My third (buyer at True Value Company) and fourth jobs (buyer at Claire’s) were the nails in the proverbial coffin of my time in corporate America.  It wasn't for me.  It ate away at my soul.  I hated giving my time to “the man”, doing work I found meaningless and all for someone else’s bottom line. Besides, all I ever really wanted was to be a mom.  A stay-at-home mom.

Well, I realized that dream in 2023.  And for over a year, it was everything I thought it would be.  I was a natural at it and I genuinely loved (almost) every minute of it.  In hindsight, I probably also just enjoyed the stark contrast to working a corporate job.

After a little over a year, something felt off.  I was tired.  Like really tired.  All. The. Time.  I chose to co-sleep so, in some ways, it made sense that I was tired.  After all, I hadn’t gotten an uninterrupted night of sleep in over two years (and yes, I’m counting pregnancy because I was always up multiple times throughout the night to empty my bladder).

And to be completely transparent, I’m one of those people that needs sleep. Yes, yes we all need sleep.  But I’m talking I need a solid 9 hours every night.  How much I love to sleep has become a running joke with almost everyone who knows me. And it’s always been that way.

Anyway, this feeling I had was more than just my usual sense of tired.  It was more like some kind of void. Something was missing. But what?

I was living my version of an ideal life so I didn’t bother to think that had anything to do with it.  How could it?  I had everything I could possibly want. I had the great marriage, the happy and healthy baby, and the job I always wanted.

So I came to the conclusion that there was probably something physically wrong with me and I started down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out what it was.

First, I bought Function Health’s extensive bloodwork to see if I had some kind of thyroid issue or vitamin deficiency. Besides some minor deficiencies, my bloodwork was normal. 

Then I went to a holistic dentist who diagnosed me with a form of TMJ. She said it could be contributing to my fatigue, but after months of using the oral appliance she prescribed, I felt no different. It’s worth noting that during my appointments with her, she told me she could tell I wasn’t happy with my life. She could see it in my eyes, she said.

Not happy? How dare she? Of course I was happy!  I had exactly what I wanted. I was just tired.

Down the rabbit hole I went.

I saw a naturopath who performed a series of muscle tests on me — everything from food to potential toxins in my environment. She had some recommendations for me but most of them honestly just made things worse.

At this point in my journey, about 6 months in, I started to have a complete mental breakdown.  I was in anguish and I could not for the life of me get a grip on what was wrong.

I decided to go to a bodyworker for a series of Dynamic Body Balancing procedures.  This ended up being one of the most healing things I’ve ever done — and I continue to go to my bodyworker occasionally for “tune ups” — but it still didn’t give me the answers I was looking for.

I finally wound up sitting across from a therapist I only saw once.  Her communication style didn’t really resonate with me, but she said one thing in that single session that did: “maybe you’re just going through a depressing time in your life.”

And that was the turning point in my downward spiral. It seemed so simple and yet it made so much sense.  I was depressed.  I had never even considered it. Even if I had considered it, I didn’t want to believe I was because I was raised to believe that depression is something you more or less choose and it was weak and also how could I possibly be depressed when I had everything I wanted?  How could I be depressed when I still wanted to get out of bed in the morning and do things?

But I was.  In retrospect, how could I not be? I now realize that I was going through the biggest transformation of my life - my matrescence.  I was having an identity crisis because seemingly overnight I was a full-time mom and I didn’t know who else I was.  What did I like? What did I want to do and who did I want to be outside of “mom”? Why did no one warn me that this happens when you become a mom?  Why does it feel like no one really talks about this?

Maybe this is why those 250 characters feel impossible.

Since that therapy session, I’ve spent a lot of time (re)discovering who I am, what I like and how I can maintain a sense of self outside of motherhood.  I take time for myself daily.  I not only allow myself but encourage myself to be more than “mom”. I do things not because they’re good for my kids but because they’re good for me. Ironically enough, doing things that are good for me is good for my kids, too.

That was about a year and a half ago and while I’m still figuring out exactly who I am (aren’t we all?), I can say I know myself better now than I ever have before.  I don’t feel that huge emptiness anymore and, while I’m definitely still tired, I don’t have that constant feeling of fatigue. I’m not saying life is easy or that I have it all figured it out (to be clear: life is hard and I don’t), but I now understand how motherhood can swallow you whole.  I understand how important it is to make an effort to hold on to the parts of yourself that have nothing to do with motherhood.  Even if some of those parts inevitably intertwine with motherhood.

I am a mother. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That’s the deal you make when you have a baby and I truly am honored to have the title.  But I’m also a girl that loves to bake a loaf of sourdough in a cute outfit before getting cozy on the couch with a tasty drink and an engaging book.

So, if you’re where I was, I want you to know there’s hope and you’re not alone. You will find yourself again. She’ll be different, no question. But you don’t have to try to squeeze her into 250 characters. You honestly shouldn’t even try because I promise you: she won’t fit.